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Christian Counseling - Divorced? Ready For Your Next Relationship?

If you are divorced or separated from a live-in or marital relationship and desire to enter into another partnership, please read on. Statistically, about 50% of first time marriages end in divorce, but it is higher for second marriages (about 70%) and higher still for third (around 80%). Research finds that couples who live together are less happy than married couples. Despite these realities most couples swear and believe it will be different the next time because they have gained self-understanding, know more about what it takes to make a relationship last and are more determined to stay committed. Good intentions, good thoughts, but...

Why the discrepancy between what divorced people believe and reality? The answer is something known by some, but only skin deep. That is because a good part of pain is housed in the unconcious. Even for those few with a depth of insight gained on their own, it does not seem to make much of a difference. The reason that second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than the previous one is largely due to deep-seated, unresolved pain and trauma. Time does not heal wounds, it only dulls the awareness, but the pain comes shining through in the next relationship when conflict surfaces.

People are painfully bruised in a breakup and the majority of it isn't healed before they are in another relationship. It doesn't take long before the new person presses on their bruise and the new pain opens the flood gate to past pain that are simultaneously and quickly felt, often accompanied by shock and fear. It is common to privately wonder if the new relationship is going to be a repeat of the last.

What is needed is to grab hold of and work out the conscious and unconscious pain, which requires the help of God and another person who can see and speak the truth. Without this critical insight and resolution of the problems, people are most likely going to reexperience the devastation of another broken relationship or, at least, to unnecessarily suffer in the next one.

I firmly believe that all couples should seek the help of a professional before saying "I do!" One who can help them see the blind spots, how a couple's personalities mesh or not, how their histories influence current thoughts, feelings and decisions, and how all of these things can be used to predict with a fair degree of accuracy what their relationship will be like. However, the truth is that the majority of people in love do not want to look at those painful and threatening realities. They are in a moment of sunshine and want to avoid stormy weather. However, it is a matter of look now or be forced to later on, which will be harder and more troublesome for many reasons.

The good news is that those who have chosen to know the truth about himself or herself and their loved one before marriage go into that marriage more realistically confident and committed. They have far less conflict, pain and doubt because, to a large degree, they do not bring much of their baggage into the new relationship, having resolved it. This and having gained significant knowledge about their future partner and the type of relationship they will experience permit them to make an intelligent and informed decision. This secondary point of decision about committing to the relationship becomes an important memory that is returned to many times over and serves as a needed anchor in unfavorable relational weather.

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