Christian Counseling: Looking for Wedding Bells

The Doctor Is In Question:

Hi Doc, im 35yr old,i have a doughter who is 16yr old.the father of my girl was surposed to mary me on last December,sudly a lady came out with pregnancy of my man,,his Pastor said my man must mary a lady,now im in very painfull and disappointed,what must i do?

My Response:

Sorry to hear about your painful situation. I hope you will be able to find some personal peace, although it appears it will likely be a tough road. It seems like it has been somewhat of a tough road for you for sometime. 

When things are brought to a head, like the threat of the possible end of a relationship, as with your longtime boyfriend, people are forced to rethink many things, such as: how did I get into all this to begin with? Does he really love me? Are we right for each other? Have I been able to trust him or will I be able to trust him in the future since he has been with another woman?  Have I followed God's direction for this relationship? Also, what do you think God is saying to you about all this now and for the future? What actions does the Bible suggest you take? These are important and necessary questions you have to answer for yourself because this is your life and your decisions must be your own. Seek answers until you are convinced of what is appropriate and right and then take decisive action.

Perhaps the pastor's recommendation to your boyfriend to marry the women who is pregnant by him is based on issues other than her pregnancy, but pregnancy is never a good reason to marry. By itself, it isn't a sufficient bond that can keep people together and it would be hard on children should the family break up later on. 

Given the high rate of divorce (about 50% for Christians and non-Christians), everyone should get professional preengagement or premarital counseling before saying "I do." You need to get a handle on all this by gaining self-understanding, understanding your boyfriend, God's view of managing an intimate relationship, and insight as to whether or not the relationship with your boyfriend is a good fit for both of you. Ask him if he is willing to see a professional Christian counselor with you. If he is unwilling to join you in counseling, do it for yourself. 

If he refuses counseling with you, which I suspect he might, you will need to work though your grief, seek legal counsel about his responsibility for you and your daughter, and move on with your life the best you can. God is near the brokenhearted. He will help you through this and teach you how to protect yourself in the future from more heartache. 

Lastly, take what you can from the following words. Years ago there was a rhyme kids would say to be humorous or tease each other, "(Names of a boy and girl) sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes (name of person) with a baby carriage." It highlights a societal value at that time, but it also reveals an order to developing an intimate relationship found in the Bible--love first, then commit to marriage, then have a family. Also, a growing number of younger people are finding it acceptable to live together rather than marry, or to try it out before marriage. But all is not rosy. The research suggests there are a number of problems with the live together option including being less happy than married couples. He appears to have been unhappy.

Find a good, supportive friend or two. Seek God. Commit your future to Him. He will give you needed direction and peace.    

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